Sunday, 22 June 2008

Big Brother Blog - 08/06/2008

I used to enjoy a blog on where grace dent gave her opinion on big brother, the apprentice, x factor, and when they weren't on, it was like having an abstract of whatever television everyone else was watching, so I didn't have to watch it, but still knew what was going on. She's writing a book now, so I’ll try and find another way to avoid having to spend the next 13 weeks of my life glued to channel 4 watching 16+ freaks (they've touted them as such) monging round a house having arguments all day, and being heavily edited to make it seem like they are nice/evil/exciting/racist people, dependant on the whims of the director on the day.

I love big brother - I love watching it, and I would still go on it if you offered me. I've not applied since about the 3rd year, when my groovy video (best party clothes, filmed from the top of the church tower,) was totally ignored, but I still think I’d have fun, learn a lot about myself, and end up a washed up z list celebrity DJing at butlins, before begging for my old job back.

my official reason for going in to the house, would be based on a big insecurity of mine, which is that I have such a big ego that I firmly expect that every time I leave the room, the other 15 people (using the BB house example, but it could easily be the office, a tube train, my living room at home with only the wife there) would immediately start wondering:

Where’s Dave?
Is Dave ok?
When is Dave coming back?
Wouldn’t it be great if Dave was here?
I bet Dave would know what to do.
No-one does any washing up any more; I wish I hadn't voted Dave out. Hey lets all go on hunger strike and say nothing but unbroadcastable swear words until they let Dave back into the house.

That sort of thing.

The great thing about coming out of the big brother house is you get to watch the tapes afterwards, and realise just how invisible you really are. One of my favourite moments of previous BBs, was the secret eviction, where they removed two girls and put them in a house next door, complete with full watching and listening capabilities. not only were they not missed by most of the housemates, but one of them promptly watched her crushee (is that a word) get hit on by another housemate, remove the bracelet he promised to wear to show he was thinking of her, and pretty much forget all about her immediately.
After a hilarious "fight" when they went back in, I think they ended up getting married or something tortuous like that. She called him chicken a lot. It made us all want to throw up/shout "SHE'S A PSYCHO!!! RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR SEX ORGANS IN PLACE" at the telly, and after all - isn't that what the best entertainment should do?

we watched the launch night of this years extravaganza with a glass of wine, an open mind, and the ability to forward wind through the guff and just watch the freaks go in. they seem to have picked the real life cast of Little Britain, right down to the sexually ambiguous Thai midget. now we have the ability to record TV and forward wind through the adverts, dull bits, Davina, people smoking in the garden (guff) I might put it on series link and take 8 minutes to forward wind through each episode until the blonde one decides naked mangling is the only thing that will keep her in the house (as if heterosexual males actually vote in this thing?)

Every year I picture myself in the house (maybe replacing the one I am most like, John Tickle, Craig (didn't we all want to be Craig?) Nadia, and this year, the ultra vain "Dale". I'm not their sort of person. I’d have a terrible time. I’d be rocking backwards and forwards in the corner within 20 minutes drooling and wondering how to get the mobile phone out of my bottom to call Lisa so she could tell me I don't look like a complete tool.

But as I said - tell me I can go in, and I won't even stop to pack.